Let me start by saying I am writing this at 6am! I rarely see this time of day so I'm not sure how this will turn out, but here you go! LOL
Alright, so it's school time again! Yesterday was rough on this Supermom....I took all three kids to get school supplies, get hair cuts, and got Lane some new school cloths. Then we went to the school and got his schedule and got to quickly meet all his teachers. So it was a long day but it started out somehow different....
The day started like this: Jackson woke up at 6:30am, came into my room and threw a basketball in my face and said "Backitball mom, catch it!" But I was able to get him to get into the bed with me and after about 30mins of talking I was able to get him to go back to sleep. However I couldn't go back to sleep! So, like I said for some reason I was just feeling different, not bad, sad, nervous, or scared....just like something was different....So as I laid there with this little monster cuddled up beside me, his warm breath on my arm and drool soaking threw my nightgown.....he threw his arm over my pregnant tummy and Kash begin kicking him....I lay there thinking about why I was having this weird feeling.
So, school....well let me just say that Lane went to private school he whole life up until this year. He went to Victory in Camden from Pre-K to 2nd grade, and let me just say they were a GREAT school. We loved it there, it felt like "home" in a way. Then we moved to Texarkana his 3rd grade year and he went to Trinity for 3rd and 4th grades....VERY different than what we were use to but okay. And let me just say that from the start JJ and I felt strongly about wanting Lane to go to a Christian school and be taught by fellow Christians with like minded curriculum. You know, lay a good foundation. And Victory was that for him....Trinity....well not as much. But anyway, at Victory we felt that "safety net", then at Trinity it felt more like a "safety net" with holes in it.....so I prayed alot about it and God has giving me peace with our decision to put him in public school. I know Lane has a good relationship with God although he is only 9.
I am the kind of mother that has always been very proud to see my kids grow, alot of moms cringe at the sight of their child growing up.....more like they seem to want their kids to stay little forever....(not that there is anything wrong with that! lol) but I'm NOT one of those moms. I am a "pusher" mom, I want to push to them to grow and improve in everything.....the Bible says to "....grow your kids UP" so that is what I strive to do....ain't that what parents are here for......to grow our kids UP? not hold them back or make they'd stay little...
So yesterday we met his teachers and got a run down of how things will work. I like the school alright, seems to be nice...although I'm not sure it's going to be as "tough" as what Lane is use to, I'm sure he will do great. But it is, as my husband stated, a very "public" school (not that there is anything wrong with that!)....but we definitely don't feel that "safety net" there anymore! lol As we walked around and met teachers and struggled to find the next class and put the school supplies into Lane's LOCKER all I could picture is my big (little) boy sitting on the sidewalk crying because he couldn't find his next class, lost, and didn't have anyone to point him in the right direction......
Now Lane wasn't acting like that AT ALL mind you, he seemed very calm....board even. So on the way home we were talking about the whole process of riding the bus after Kash is born and Lane said but mom, I want to ride the bus the first day! He explained he didn't want to wait until November to start riding the bus, he wanted to start on the first day.....RIGHT THEN I knew just how much I had "grown" him up....he wasn't at all afraid to start a new chapter in his life, with confidence and even pride, he was ready to take on Jr. High (YEAH, they are considered Jr. High!). But for the first time this "pusher" mom felt her "pusher" arms want to just grab him up and say YOU STILL NEED ME! Your my little boy and you still need me....and although that is true...he does still need me...I felt like I lost my "pusher" mothering. I felt the need to put my foot on his head and MAKE him need me....but did I really want that for HIM? No! Because to "grow him UP" is my job, not to hold him back or try to keep him from moveing forward! But I, for the first time, felt like I WANTED him to need me.
So as I laid in bed last night, thinking of the events of the day.....Jackson's little snore as he laid there getting kicked by Kash....the hassle of the shopping trip....the little 5th grader that was starting a new chapter in his life....I said to God, please give me strength to keep "pushing" my kids to grow up.....I know this is what you want for them....but please also give me the ability to savour those moments in between growth so that I may always be strong in times like these.....so that I don't have this urge to hold them back.....I don't like that feeling....and because I know it's my job to grow them up. And I take my job seriously.
So, although I may be "Supermom" most of the time and I rarely show my "soft" side.......still, I am only human after all........and I will ALWAYS need my Father for everything.
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